Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Lyrics on my mind

I am everything you want
I am everything you need
I am everything inside of you That you wish you could be
I say all the right things
At exactly the right time
But I mean nothing to you and I don't know why

This is from a song by Vertical Horizon called Everything You Want. I'm not entirely sure what the song is about, but the lyrics above strike me as analogous to a recent relationship I had. It's not entirely accurate - I never said any of the right things - but there's a sentiment that is close.

I don't think I need to go into details, but long story short, I liked this girl more than she liked me, so we're just friends now. Maybe it's a good thing she lives 500 miles away! The confusing part is that everything she complains about in other guys she dates, and everything she's ever said she was looking for, are qualities I have. So I guess it's just too bad she wasn't all that interested.

Or maybe not too bad in the end...

Since I met her, this girl has been relatively unpleasant to be with in person, and thinking back this includes most of the time I've known her, not just since we broke up. It was much different than when I talked to her on the phone or IM. I just didn't used to care. As such, my romantic interest in her has gone away, and my platonic interest in her has dropped off as well. After spending last weekend hanging out with her* I was asking myself what I ever saw in her in the first place.

* Doing things I thought were nice, like waiting on dinner for her to arrive (at 11pm) rather than eat with the group, and bringing her breakfast to the room when she didn't get up in time to get any... but evidently my normal, everyday behavior is intolerable to her. *shrug* So I spent much of the weekend avoiding her.

And then I see her when she's sleeping and I remember. When she's asleep, or in the morning before she puts on her big city and people person facades, she looks at peace. Content. Maybe happy or innocent. When I see that I see whatever it was I fell in love with, and talked to on the phone all those times.

So I'll just pretend that that's true - that she puts on a facade to deal with her busy, big city life, and that facade wears her down and makes her grouchy all the time. I'll pretend that's true because it stings a little less than the realization that I invested myself a little too heavily in something I was so very wrong about.

I think this girl reads my blog, and I don't know how this post will go over with her. It may be a little awkward. But frankly, me creating an awkward situation between us is about par for the course.

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